Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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