you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
