So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
