when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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