His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize