You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
