A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
