The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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