Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
