My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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