Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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