I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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