After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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