you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
They took my balls.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
