But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
