can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
