I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
