oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
