I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
