Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
