the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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