When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
