I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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