so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
