Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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