1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
