Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
