You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
