I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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