New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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