the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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