My first STD was from a foam party
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
