After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You are the jesus of drinking
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
