That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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