please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
