I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
