Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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