Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
