he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
