How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
