my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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