so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
