life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
