Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
