Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
