dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
