I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
