I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
