Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
