Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
did i walk over a car last night?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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