U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
