Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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